I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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