I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
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If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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