her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
