she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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