I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
