Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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