I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
