Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
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Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
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On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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