I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize