I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
