How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
