she woke up with a sticky ear
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
