i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When did angry sex become our thing?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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