sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
