when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
