I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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