I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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