life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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