woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
