i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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