you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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