I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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