Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
