She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize