There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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