I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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