hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
