If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
