i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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