Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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