I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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