On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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