Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just invented taco cereal.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.