I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not