i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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