turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
