you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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