What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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