He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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