So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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