if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
