did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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