I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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