I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
this hospital has no fireball
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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