i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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