the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
