I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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