I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
