Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
