I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
