Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
