he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
