i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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