drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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