My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
