it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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