my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
