Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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