God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
