one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
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I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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