No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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