I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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